i m a pig...

is 1pm now...n i just woke up...i feel like i m a pig... ... have been waking up so late these few days and sleep late at nights... ... the bed in pgp isnt comfortable at all... i kept having numb legs in the mornings and kept tossing in the middle of the nights... what has happened?? m i too tired to sleep well or m i just too stressed to sleep deeply?? i dunno... ...

ystd we were studying bu together...mel, dan, yun ,dennis, jx, crystal, grace, yj and me... we were studyin at our own pace while we discuss abt some points occassionally... then i see the problem again... and i cant list it out here... this is irritating... i just have 2 words for myself... "dun care"... n ya, i shldnt bother anymore...no more...i had enough...

came back fr facial at 950pm, miss the show... then i decide to read the blog... i felt so sad for him... i cant believe... then i talked to clare abt it... she said it is common... this is scaring... 5 yrs n now is gone... i dunno where the problem lies but i just cant stop feeling sad for him... ... he must have been tough for the past few weeks in coping the situation alone... ya no one can help him beside himself... take care, fren...

another prob... ling... i dunno wat to do... is she still the same her or has she changed? i dare not make her angry coz she will be v angry with me... but i dunno wat is the best solution... i m not like shu...she can simply dun care abt ling's nagging but i cant... coz i have always been the middle one but now i guessed i m not anymore... dun pressure me, pls.... i really dunno wat i shld do that day... u dun understand her temper... she will be superly angry with me and i will be scare... ...

i m so lazy, so sensitive, so emotional and so timid... ...

part & parcel...

eyes were swollen...the end result of crying and the serious lack of sleep...
crit today...didnt prepare much...sure to present badly because no mood...cant think well either...

bloggin now at the engine canteen..woke up too early for crit...crit starts at 9...i was here at 745...

looking back at things... things changed indeed...
this is the first time i withnessed it right behind my eyes... heartfelt feelings... though i wasnt very close to her, she meant a place in my heart... had been a long while since i last seen her...back then she was happily enjoying the mooncake yuncai brought for her...appreciating every bits of it with the coffee... i remembered helping her adjust the breathing tubes behind her ears because there were friction against her back of her ears... each time i adjust, she will mention a big thank you to me..."thank you huh"... ... ... and pat my hands...
i still remember i try to help her packed her usual biscuits into her preicous container in which she always keep her biscuits in..there were always a variety of them...

ystd was the last time i see her... she was in great pain...she lied on the bed breathing with great difficulty... it hurts seeing her in such condition at the v moment... i was too taken aback to say or do anything... i merely look at her across the bed...hoping she has less pain every minute... i almost cried out during this period but i say no i cant...
the nurse came to feed her medicine...she couldnt swallow it..even the sweet ice cream that she loves dripped over... we tried to wake her up but ... she was too weak to open her eyes...to move her lips... too weak to even move her limbs...the only response i could see was seeing her mouth open widely to take in every bit of the oxygen that she could reach for...her breathing was v v weak... i sat by her side...stroking her arms and palm...they felt so cold... i was scare but didnt thought that far coz i dun wanna acknowledge it... ... ... every stroke on her... ... ...

then i was having upsets in my stomach...wanna to vomit but every time i went over to the washroom nth came out...i kept walking to n fro from her bed to the washroom...fearing that i would vomit onto her... the last time i came back from the toilet, i heard the nurse saying her pulse has stopped... i still refused to register anything in mind tat y i didnt cry... i bear for every moment that i can... i saw her last breath, her last struggle, her last movement...she went peacefully... ... ... i held my feelings back strong then... nt until i saw the nurse pulling in the casket... ... i broke down... ... ... ... ... ... ...

she was the first elderly i came to visit when i joined touch... she has left an imprint in me...