a moment with the paradise...

having been thru so much growing up n maturing, i still cant give up the unrealistic side of me...
i still like to view things perfectly...love to dream about the impossibles...
say i m stubborn, say i m an escapist...
i dun mind coz i agreed...

but i see no wrong in dreaming? since it takes me through a world with no devil, no crys of pain, no chance of doubts between pple, no fighting over fame or love, no fake no false...
all are true...then why not let me stay in my dreamland?
for at least i know i wun be bluffed n harmed in it...

i have had enough of lies, untruth facts, fallacious stories n fakey bondings with friends
all i want is a true world...
now i m scared by how others see me because i have been warned many times to put guards when making frens...
all along i tot frens are true to u ..no matter how close these frens were to me
but in reality, it doesnt always happen
was i wrong all the while?

i see myself playin with the kids happily at the front porch
i see myself taking a stroll along the beach
i see myself enjoying the night breeze by the soothing waves
i see myself eating grapes while watching drama series
i see myself playing volleyball n cycling along east coast park
i see myself enjoying being myself in my dreamy land...
can i let myself go? so tat i can sore to my dreamland up there?
i have refused to unlock myself...
maybe is time for me to unlock ...

'before i fall in love' by coco lee

maybe....

got scolded for being sentimental in my blog... but hm... this is in me..ya cant change leh coz i v stubborn girl...

was listenin to "heaven knows by rick price"
nice song which describes much of my feelings...
just make me wanna cry whenever i listen to it...dunno how will u all feel ya?

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake up
Till I close my eyes
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know
And though she's so far away

It just keeps getting stronger everyday
And even now she's gone
I'm still holding on
So tell me where do I start
'Cause it's breakin' my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
But only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows

My friends keep telling me
That if you really love her
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in time I'll know she's mine
But tell me where do I start
'Cause it's breakin' my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
But only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows

Why I live in despair
'Cause wide awake or dreamin' I know she's never there
And all the time I act so brave
I'm shakin' inside
Why does it hurt me so

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows And maybe our hearts will find a way
But only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows
Heaven knows heaven knows

does heaven knows wat i m thinking of?....

is time!

is time to buck up...

hey i know where i stand among all... i m among the bottom few or m i the last?
u dun like lousy pple rite?
i know le...
i dun have to work hard for u, i work hard for myself...
i m stressed seriously stressed up by all the unnecessary pressure i put on myself...
but that was what i intepret from u...
ya i shldnt put these stresses on me....coz u are not longer in my fairytale
u said it urself...

there are many things that i wanna do after exams...i cant wait for the exams to be over...
things to be accomplished:
1- play volleyball -anywhere also can as long as is volleyball!
2- sing ktv
3-catch movies
4- suntanning at sentosa
5-buy skirts n shoes
6-tidy up my home room so that i have my space for my models
7-wanna go taiwan!
8-wanna earn $ - prepare for yr2 expenses!
9-learn driving - i wanna be a super independent lady!
10-learn yoga, diving, tennis n dance??
11-cant wait for my precamp to start! coz can play games!
12-wanna forget u n get on with my life!

only heaven knows...

the day started out late and feeling miserable right from the moment i opened my eyes
i knew this will happen...i knew it long ago...but i refused to accept the fact because i hope it will be different ...i tot u will make an effort to bring me a surprise...but u didnt bother to...
now and again, u disappoint me...
i have nth to say and nth tat i can do as well...
everything that i wanted to do and say is being controlled...
i cant even have the rights to feel wat i m truly feeling now...
i cant write in my blog as well...

realised that i cant even write out my fairytale on my blog because i cant do so...
i dont have a place to fantasize... i cant do so because i cant be this selfish...

fishes in the ocean are crying but can u tell which are the tears and which are the ocean water?

i speak of fishes for which they cant see wat lies beyond that oceanline ...just like me...
i cant see what holds for me in the future...

trapped forever in the room that u had threw me to... the lock will nv br unlocked for which u had thrown the keys into the deepest ocean ever found...

fairytales are far from me...

crit is over. sem is over soon. a long 3 mths is coming soon. is during this time of the sem that i feel lost again... i am so used to having my archit frens with me...thru the days n thru the nights workin in the studio... now design is over...even our studio is gone...where do we meet as often again? in mac? or online? well, hope we wouldnt lose this frenships! take care fellow studiomates! i hope we will still remain in contact forever n ever...even when we are super busy... our outings are still onz! missing all!

i dun understand why m i reacting this way...sth wrong with me... seriously, i need to widen my social circle... if not i will be trap in my fairytales again... i hate myself for being such an idiot...to be living in my fairytale world again... i cant wait to meet new pple..not because i wanna know more guys or get attached but is that i need to know new pple learn new stuffs so tat i can forget the past and put everything behind me... i needed so much to move on... i need to be busy to move on... i need to...
my camp recuitment started... i recuited some freshies... not too bad haha...

emotionless... lifeless... brainless...tasteless...

taking a small break before i continue rendering my panels... super tired now...

past few days have been terrible for me... have been stayin in studio dunno since when to when...dun even know when the sun rises and when it sets...
all i know is that the air in the studio is super unhealthy n dirty...my face is getting from bad to worse... also my arms and back are aching again... have been in the same position for hours...

i dunno wat i m feeling now coz i have became numb... really dun understand y i m doing all this also....

i dunno wat is the life outside SDE level 1 studio... not even activities in my hall n my home... all days n nights, life revolves around the studio and the vending machine...

i dunno how to calculate simple calculations le... dun even know wat is the latest news recently , dun mention the popular drama series telecast on the channels...

i only know the taste of mac fries, mac ice milo n mac plain foldover, fong seng egg onion n plain prata, n the nasi lemak rice... i dunno how soup tastes like anymore....

sorry if i have been neglecting u all...i will make it up after mon ya?
pls be happy while i m not ard...:) tc!

here i m... ...

havent been blogging for the past few days coz have been staying overnight in studio to do my model.... i took so long to do my model..wanting it so much to be the best model that i have done so far..but apparently it always doesnt turn out like tat... :( ..my pillars arent straight at all! my glass panels have been stained!...sad sad ..super sad:(

realised many things can happen just within one night...friendship? sch work? health? n sth else?
sch work: as usual..rushing for submission again... nth special or stunting... is always like this for me...dun wanna stress myself also...
friendship: realised the older we get, the more weird and complicated relationship between friends can get; nv ever trust anyone totally
health: ate too much supper n irregular meals!!..haiz...wasting hall meals as well:( n many titbits!getting fatter n fatter!
n sth else: well, dun guess wat are my feelings now...nobody can guess it out..dun think that u know wat i m thinking of just because u think u know me v well...

Realization point - to love a person one needs to sarcifice so much but the one being loved is just being blunt abt it and the worst is to make use of it..is it v saddening? dun go overboard in any case, u might not be able to pay it back in time


ps... short blogs nowadays due to lack of time n the usage of a journal..:P

down day

just finished writing my sad feelings in my new diary... felt a little lighter as compared to the heavy n moody me in the afternoon ...
slept from 2 to 8 in the afternoon..felt guilty...
i was too tired n sad in the whole afternoon...so i chose to sleep thru the sad period and not think abt the sad stuff... this time round i know y i m sad... i know where the reason lies...

have been in uni for almost a year liao...i have made many new frens...they are really v nice to me...even for fren that i had just know..ZL sent me home twice in the late nights le although the route to his home wasnt along the way to mine...felt really glad to have such nice frens around... i m surprised to have such great honour to have these good frens ard me ... i tot i have been an irritating pig to them... n i have been neglecting them ... thanks alot...i m really thankful to all :)

but well, i shld be happier because my family have been treating v nice too..mum prepared bird nest, sis helped me to clear my past debts, grandma prepared a heavy breakfast for me today... but y m i still so down n solemn?
why is it that pple are out having fun but i m still trap in sch n thinkin thru abt some sad stuffs?

" i m suffering in ur enjoyment "

typical side of me...

i m always like tat...
i guessed i m mad le..dun understand myself at all
dunno y i feel so down ...

btw, my design is getting from bad to worse...really no mood to do anything to improve it...
only one week left to go but i have nth done yet
millions of useless meetings, disturbing sms, irritating emails, and lots of projects, presentations and tutorials...
all at one getting me onto nerves...
making me seriously lack of sleep...

i tot nth else beside all these could have bothered me..
but i guessed i m wrong again...
haiz....