i wish for u again...

went past the temple today
too many people praying for their loved ones
i cant go in to pray for u
but i wish for ur happiness at the wishing well
i wished that u are happy and fine and are getting on with life as usual
the second coin went straight into the wishing well
i felt happy... ...

this is the only thing that i can do for you
n i know u wouldnt know that i will do it for you

dun worry i m getting on with my life as well... ...
though i have to force myself to eat
though i still have chest pains days n nights
though i still have breathing difficulties
but dun bother about me ya
coz i promised i will be strong and well

no more doing things for u...
no more thinking abt u...
i know when n where to hide my feelings...

sorry

ur words hurt
ur words are clear n sharp
i comprehend every single one of them
i cant help but feel terribly sad n hurt...

i have nv ever wanted anything from u
i dun even dare to dream of having any responses from u
i know very well that i dun deserve to have any
so u dun need to feel that u ought to give my any answers or responses
coz u really dun have to... ...

i went to temple to pray for u n me
to pray that u are happy
to pray that i m happy for as long as i see u happy
all i wanted was that u can have lesser troubles n are happy with ur one

i nv wanted to snatch u fr anyone
i nv wanted u to be mine
i nv wanted to force u to accept me
i swear i nv... ... i swear i nv... ...
i love to see u happy as a fren
i really wish n hope for wholeheartedly... ...

this is me

this shall be my longest blog so far... i m not fluent or well versed in my lang so pls be forgiving.. and so sorry for such dreadful n solemn blogs again...

many days that had past are torturing to me
i m sad but u arent as much as i was
memories keep flashing back...nth seems to be able to stop it from flowing back

i rode the bus we once took
i chose the seat we once sat
i cuddled the bear u once hugged
i listened to the songs u once sang
subconsciously i did all these...

wanted to forget u
to let u go away in my mind
that's y i went zouk last nite
i dun like drinking or clubbing at all
but y was i there last nite?
i promised my buddies that i willn't drink or dance
but i broke this promise
i didnt drink alot but i got dizzy after dancing for quite awhile
call me lousy call me silly call me anything that u like
n i will agree to all...yes i will agree to all...
sat by the bridge alone for half an hour
feeling cold n unwell...yet my mind still full of images of urs
u were out having fun but i was here feeling ill
i dun think u will ever know so i dun blame u
even if u know, u will not do anything, rite?

woke up late for my meetings...did nth constructive for the group
i feel bad for doing the least amt of work for this group work
wat is the reason? issit because of u again?
went to meet my dearies...with one thing in my mind
how to tell them abt u? there is nth to tell...
i know they care alot for me...helping me to get through this stage
but i really dunno wat to tell them
coz there is nth to say when is only one-way traffic

thinkin wat will u be doing rite now...or where will u be
will u be sad because i m sad?
or will u just be as happy as u are? even when knowing that i m sad for u? or sad because of u?

they told me that u arent for me
u arent the type for me
i remain speechless and heartbroken
does this means that i shldnt have fallen into this pit?
does this also means that i m really waiting for no returns?
does this really means that i shld just give up coz this is wrong right from the beginning?

ya i m wrong... wrong to fall into this pit

so wrong that no one else could have done the same

attacks keep coming... i have no strength to build up my defencing line anymore
u come and attack me whenever u like, i was shot for as many times as u appeared
truly dead...

i ought to have given u up long ago... but i kept falling back into the pit
now i know wat i shld do...
pick up shattering pieces of my heart and mend them back
one by one, day by day
i shld be spending the times thinking and feeling sad for u on my readings n designs
i shld eat n sleep healthy n happily
i must be the happy me

i dunno how long will i get to accomplish these tasks
or will i accomplish them whole-heartedly n truthfully?
i wouldnt know... coz i know for sure i will not...

u stay where u are... i remain where i m
no more u n i ...no more i n u...

because of you...

thousands of birds flew past
you chose to stop over my little island
spenting sufficient time on the island searching for your own soul
never intending to stay for long right from the start
after accomplishment you chose to leave with an imprint on the sand

i was the stepping stone in the your life journey
i dun mind to be one
but i was hurt along the way for as long as your imprint stays vividly
in my mind and not the sand

i drank because of you
i was sick because of you
i have rashes because of you
i am sad because of you too... ... not matter how many 'because of you' i typed, you still wouldnt know is you

a naughty girl today...regretted...

dun understand wat i m feeling now... is so strange...
is 4.30am now and i m still awake...i cant sleep..

suppose to be a ex-studio gathering today at 2 at orchard but end up in my house playing mahjiong...
got dennis grace daniel then later came xingyun
actually i have this feeling when i was playing mahjiong...
so after we left for grace's house, i got myself a bottle of alcohol...5%...

went to her house and drank about 3/4...coz dennis wanted to try as well...
then grace shared with us a bottle of grapewine...abt 13.5%...i drank 2 glasses...
i felt hot and dizzy but still not enough to make me high enough to forget things...
i just got too depressed that not enough alcohol could relieve me....

dun ask me y i m feeling this way...i will nv tell...
btw, this is only the second time i take alcohol drinks...

if u let me go, i will nv return...

if a caged bird escapes, it will never return to the cage...
if you let the strip goes, the balloon will never get back to your hand...

coz i am a lost child... i am easily deceived by people...
i dont have confidence... i dont have determination...
i seldom says no... people seems to control me much more than i control myself...

if you let me go, i will never return to you...

have you ever spare a thought for my feelings? or do u ever bother to care? i guessed i am lost...

some thoughts running through my mind, havent been accepting what i have been feeling, i have rejected facing the reality for quite some time... coz i knew nth will happen besides staying the same old me...

met up with my dearies ling n shu... nv knew they had been through this much ... suddenly feel that i m so lousy... they are handling far much more better than i do.... theirs prob are more more complicated than mine.... heard their stories... i dunn how to console but then i can provide a listenin soul for both of them...

today was the final p1 submission day... have been ard in studio for quite many hours... spent time together dragfting and making models...

sth strikes me... makin me wonder... but then after talkin to ling, i realised love can be this fragile... this weak.... but one thing for sure, is so so so nice to be about to be with the one u love and the one shower care and concern for u... i guess this will nv happen to me .... hahha

nice nice song...

just came back fr grandma's house... i dun have much mood to celebrate chinese new year...dunno y...
relatives came to my house in the afternoon...they are getting more fake-y each year... i locked myself in my room with my siblings n played mahjong... dun wanna see the fake-y pple outside...

readin thru my ss notes while finding new nice songs... then i chanced upon this song... by clay aiken n kimberly locke - without you... is really really v nice... the lyrics are so so true...but it make me feel sad...

i woke up n felt empty...cant find the reason
i ate my dinner n felt empty as well... cant find the reason as well
suddenly i tot of a reason...
this 'emptiness" has got to do with u...
not used to this sudden emtpiness...
but i have to get myself thru no matter wat...

past...

i saw ur photos with her... i felt jealous, sad n angry all at the same time... in the past, u dun like to take photos so we nv have one photo to keep with... now u took dozens of photos with her... so close n loving... n u posted them in ur friendster account openly... i m heartbroken...

although u sms me last week abt meetin up to catch with each other, i felt u wasnt sincere... lookin thru the photos tat u had, thinkin about how happy n loving the relationship u are having now, i tot i m just a dumpin bag for u to pour in ur sorrows.. i dun mind being ur dumpin bag but i hope u do rem the times we shared before... i must admit i was in the wrong to give u up then but i tot u are v lucky n happy with ur present life now... so fulfiling n exciting... i wish u all the best...

i saw her in the pic smiling so happily so sweetly so lovingly.. i read the testimontials she wrote for u.. expressing how much how deep her love is for u... i must say i hate that she wrote this much for u..she did this much for u... u nv knew wat she had done in the past when we were still together coz i didnt know as well... till now then i realised she plotted everything in order to have u, to be with u... to break me away fr u... to take u away from me... coz in ur eyes she is such a wonderful friend back then...i was too navie then to think that she is my godsister... n to think that everyone ard me is as nice as i tot... i m too naive.. too too naive... i hate myself for being one such child...

i know u will nv get to read this blog but i need to let my feelings go somewhere.. this is e only place where i pour in my sorrows.. no one is my dumpin bag..u arent too... u dun listen to wat i say anymore, u dun bother to understand me anymore, u dun care how i feel anymore.. coz u have her... although it has been 3 years, i still rem v vividly the days we spent together... dun ask me y i m still thinkin abt them now...coz i dun know myself either.. i guessed i m one who dote on memories, be it sad or happy... i m such an irrational child.. i hate to face reality n i kept dwellin to the past...

many asked me y i m still single.. even u did... i cant answer u this question becoz i dunno myself ... but i guessed i really have nth to be attractive enough to be attached... no more the past me.. no more the quiet n reserved girl back during sec sch days.. no more the girl who can do everythin so perfectly... wat is left is an ugly lihui... the child who talks craps, the child who dun wants reality, the child who insist on perfection but failed to achieve it all the time now... the child who is bad-hearted, selfish n silly....the child whom no one will like... so this is me.. do u still want to meet me? i doubt u wanna face me anymore coz i fear tat i will scare u... i dun want to spoilt the impression that u still have abt me back a year ago... i hope u will keep this better impression for long than to see me now again... coz lihui is an ugly duckling...n nv will turn into beatiful swan..nv will... nv... i wish u all the best in this new year ahead...i know with her ard u, u sore to the sky safetly...

sth's wrong with me today....

sth is wrong with me... dunno y also...
grace helpin me message now ...hahha not bad huh...

really dunno y i m in this state today... is v v wrong la... dunno how n dunno wat to do...

i m going to CBB all guys from today onwards...

see love so perfectly...

talked to clar just now... realised that she is right... i got nan ren yuan but luckily i am not always surrounded by a group of guys...

thought through about this.. well, thinkin back, i realised in fact what she said is quite true.. ever since sec school ba... hm.. or shld i said primary as well? .. anyway, i dunno y i got this yuan also... in fact, i dun want it.. i denied this fact... coz i m scare.. scare to be in this situation again...where frens who are once close to me distant away becoz i said is impossible... having been in this cirumstance once is terribly enough... i dun want to lose any more frens... i treasure friendship alot... friendship is more important than relationship...

i m one who dun go for a "trying" relationship coz to me, love comes so naturally n beautifully that u dun even noticed its existence... is something that cannot be tried out to test its existence.. it's so wonderfully bonded between 2 people that no one thing can damage or destroy it... even if 2 of them are far apart, love is still in the air...linked by the 2 minds, 2 souls and 2 hearts... so when it comes to be in a relationship, to me it is the telepathy that have between the 2 lovers... only 2 persons who are in love can have this telepathy... or shld i say only this telepathy that links the 2 lovers' hearts? ... well, havin said so much, i have one final thing to say... unless i found this linking telepathy in this person, i will be a nun.... no more trying, no more Tom and Harry stuff... i see love so perfectly...

wat is the problem with me?

hey wat is the matter with me? wat is going on man? i dun even understand myself... wat actually do i want?

someone told me i not bad huh got tao hua yun this period..but then i kept askin myself are they or not? seriously i dun think so lor... who m i to have such "yun" anyway? also i really cant be bother by all these stupids n childlish confessions... hey come on la, who really know the inner part of me? i dun even know myself lor... so who are these pple then? they like me just because of the outer me? or what? their eyes had got serious problems la...wat is there in me that will attract pple la? none lor! seriously, NONE! definitely no aappreance or inner beauty lor.. so i said, these are rubbish man! so stop it, dun say like when u dun even undertstand the meaning of liking... like is a feeling when it comes by so sweetly that u dun even realise its existence...

also dun take advantage of my friendliness... i can talk to anybody as close or as far as i like... but definitely i dun have any intentions in doing so... i m merely just trying to spead laughters ard n to lighten pple's long boring day by chatting up with them... i dun like means dun like... i want to be a nun so that's it! guys, go away from me! far far far away!

that again

for the past few days n the whole of today, i have been hearin this qn again n again.... alamak..the answer is no no no!! dun spoilt my reputation!! hahaha !!...

well, i heard that again....
hm..well this time rd i shld say...
i shldnt be bother by it ya....
well, i said that again...
hm..dun think too much lihui...

haha...wat m i thinkin of n wat m i doin??
?? qn marks everywhere??